We all crave those close moments with our children that melt our hearts. Connection is as essential to us as it is to our children. When our relationship is strong, it\u2019s also sweet, so we receive as much as we give. That\u2019s what makes parenting worth all the sacrifices.<\/p>\n
That connection is also the only reason children willingly follow our rules. Kids who feel strongly connected to their parents want to cooperate, if they can. They\u2019ll still act like kids, which means their emotions will sometimes overwhelm their still-growing prefrontal cortex. But when they trust us to understand and to be on their side, they\u2019re motivated to follow our lead.<\/p>\n
Researchers remind us that we need five positive interactions to each negative interaction to keep a relationship healthy. And since we spend so much time guiding \u2014 a.k.a. correcting, reminding, scolding, criticizing, nagging, and yelling \u2014 it\u2019s important to make sure that we spend five times as much time in positive connection.<\/p>\n
But we\u2019re only human. There are days when all we can do is meet our children\u2019s most basic needs. Some days it\u2019s nothing short of heroic simply to feed them, bathe them, keep an encouraging tone, and get them to sleep at a reasonable hour \u2014 just so we can do it all over again tomorrow.<\/p>\n
As family therapist Virginia Satir famously said, \u201cWe need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.\u201d<\/p>\n
Snuggle your child first thing in the morning for a few minutes, and last thing at night. Hug when you say goodbye, when you\u2019re re-united, and often in between. Tousle hair, pat backs, rub shoulders. Make eye contact and smile, which is a different kind of touch. If your tween or teen rebuffs your advances when she first walks in the door, realize that with older kids you have to ease into the connection. Get her settled with a cool drink, and chat as you give a foot rub. (Seem like going above and beyond? It\u2019s a foolproof way to hear what happened in her life today. You\u2019ll find yourself glad, many times, if you prioritize that.)<\/p>\n
Laughter and rough-housing keep you connected with your child by stimulating endorphins and oxytocin in both of you. Making laughter a daily habit also gives your child a chance to laugh out the anxieties and upsets that otherwise make him feel disconnected \u2014 and more likely to act out. And play helps kids want to cooperate. Which is likely to work better?: \u201cCome eat your breakfast now!\u201d or \u201cLittle Gorilla, it\u2019s time for breakfast \u2014 Look, you have bugs and bananas on your oatmeal!\u201d<\/p>\n
So given that parenting is the toughest job we have \u2014 and that we often do it in our spare time, after being separated all day \u2014 the only way to keep a strong bond with our children is to build in daily habits of connection. Here are 10 that don\u2019t add time to your day, but do add connection \u2014 and could change your life.<\/p>\n
Your child will remember for the rest of her life that she was important enough to her parents that they turned off their phone to listen to her. Even turning off music in the car can be a powerful invitation to connect, because the lack of eye contact in a car takes the pressure off, so kids (and adults) are more likely to open up and share.<\/p>\n
Kids have a hard time transitioning from one thing to another. If you look him in the eye, use his name, and connect with him, then get him giggling, you\u2019ll make sure he has the inner resources to manage himself through a transition.<\/p>\n
Do whatever you need to do to schedule 15 minutes with each child, separately, every day. Alternate doing what your child wants and doing what you want during that time. On her days, just pour your love into her and let her direct. On your days resist the urge to structure the time with activities. Instead, try any physical activity or game that gets her laughing. (For game ideas, click here.)<\/p>\n
Sure, it\u2019s inconvenient. But your child needs to express his emotions or they\u2019ll drive his behavior. Besides, this is an opportunity to help your child heal those upsets, which will bring you closer. So summon up your compassion, don\u2019t let the anger trigger you, and welcome the tears and fears that always hide behind the anger. Remember that you\u2019re the one he trusts enough to cry with, and breathe your way through it. Just acknowledge all those feelings and offer understanding of the pain. Afterward, he\u2019ll feel more relaxed, cooperative, and closer to you. (Yes, this is really hard. Regulating our own emotions in the face of a child\u2019s upset is one of the hardest parts of parenting. But that doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019re excused from trying.)<\/p>\n
Connection starts with listening. Bite your tongue if you need to, except to say, \u201cWow!\u2026.I see\u2026.Really?\u2026How was that for you?\u2026Tell me more\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
The habit of seeing things from your child\u2019s perspective will ensure that you treat her with respect and look for win\/win solutions. It will help you see the reasons for behavior that would otherwise drive you crazy. And it will help you regulate your own emotions so when your buttons get pushed and you find yourself in \u201cfight or flight,\u201d your child doesn\u2019t look so much like the enemy.<\/p>\n
You aren\u2019t just rushing your child through the schedule so you can spend a few minutes with him before bed. Every interaction all day long is an opportunity to connect. Slow down and share the moment: Let him smell the strawberries before you put them in the smoothie. When you\u2019re helping him wash his hands, put yours in the running water with his, and share the cool rush of the water. Smell his hair. Listen to his laughter. Look him in the eyes and meet him heart to open heart, sharing that big love. Connect in the magnificence of the present moment \u2014 which is really the only way we can connect. (For most parents, this is also the secret to being able to tolerate playing that same game, yet again.)<\/p>\n
Set your child\u2019s bedtime a wee bit earlier with the assumption that you\u2019ll spend some time visiting and snuggling in the dark. Those companionable, safe moments of connection invite whatever your child is currently grappling with to the surface, whether it\u2019s something that happened at school, the way you snapped at her this morning, or her worries about tomorrow\u2019s field trip. Do you have to resolve her problem right then? No. Just listen. Acknowledge feelings. Reassure your child that you hear her concern, and that you\u2019ll solve it together tomorrow. The next day, be sure to follow up. You\u2019ll be amazed how your relationship with your child deepens. And don\u2019t give this habit up as your child gets older. Late at night is often the only time teens will open up.<\/p>\n
Most of us go through life half-present. But your child has only about 900 weeks of childhood with you before he leaves your home. He\u2019ll be gone before you know it. Try this as a practice: When you\u2019re interacting with your child, show up 100 percent. Just be right here, right now, and let everything else go. You won\u2019t be able pull this off all the time. But if you make it a habit several times a day, you\u2019ll find yourself shifting into presence more and more often, because you\u2019ll find it creates those moments with your child that make your heart melt.<\/p>\n
This story was written by Dr. Laura Markham, founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook. The article appeared: http:\/\/www.lovewhatmatters.com\/10-routines-that-will-strengthen-a-parent-child-relationship\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
We all crave those close moments with our children that melt our hearts. Connection is as essential to us as it is to our children. When our relationship is strong, it\u2019s also sweet, so we receive as much as we give. That\u2019s what makes parenting worth all the sacrifices. That connection is also the only…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n